Hey. You. Yeah, you. Can you just be fucking happy for one, single, solitary moment? Quit wallowing in your despair, stop bitching about how bad your life sucks, and just BE HAPPY. Smile. Remember something that made you laugh. Have some chocolate and a cup of coffee, get fucking wired, and bounce off the walls while blasting "Wannabe." Or whatever it is that floats your boat. Just stop being such a fucking stick in the mud whining asshole. Okay? As a personal favor to me. That's all I ask.

I'm all for depression causing great art and that sort of shit, but jesus, has everybody forgotten how to be happy? It's not really that hard. Or maybe I'm just simple-minded with my simple pleasures. Who the hell cares? If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. Unless, of course, shooting people from the top of a bell tower is what makes you happy. But let us assume that "what makes you happy" includes only the set of socially acceptable behaviors that don't infringe on another's right to the pursuit of happiness, and maybe also the socially unacceptable behaviors that don't maim or kill anyone.

Truth be told, I don't have much patience for depression -- my own or anyone else's. I know my personal tendency is to indulge in it. But I try to avoid dumping it on other people, because I'd rather cry alone, write it down, and get it out of my system on my own. Maybe I'd like a hug now and again, but I think it's better and stronger to heal myself. Of course, if somebody offers to talk about it, I certainly won't turn down the opportunity to bitch.

I find myself censoring what I want to say at this point, because it's about a specific individual rather than a typically mysterious generalization. But let's see what I can do to get around name-dropping. I asked Tipper the other day if he thought people were fundamentally good or fundamentally assholes, and he unhesitatingly responded "good." I lack his faith in humanity, not to mention the complications arising from my Chinese philosophy class (is man good and then corrupted by the evils of society? or does his corruption come from within?) and other such discussions of man's so-called nature, but you know... there's a spark in one person in particular that always amazes me. Oh Christ, what am I trying to hide? This is obviously about Will. He never ceases to amaze me. He's almost always talking about his hatred for humanity and desire to destroy most of the populace, but despite the fact that he always claims that he hates most people, he is always there for me when I am a total basket case. He is always the most rational and helpful and sympathetic when I need someone to talk to. And it sounds so horribly gushy to put this all down in words, but it's true. He's an excellent friend, and I'm still not quite sure how we've managed to stay friends. It's probably his fault, since I'm the emotionally unstable bitchy fucker in the relationship. At any rate, there's that spark that I would call "good," no matter what lunatic thing he's ranting about or what psychotic shit he's writing in his diary. (Okay, I admit it: I rather liked the entry. But still, it's psychotic.) So when I think about "good" people, I think about Will. Yeah, he's let me down. Yeah, he's fucked me up. But for some reason I think there's still something in him that's alive and fundamentally good, no matter how often he tells me he's dead inside and dissociated from the rest of society. He's not my ideal human being, and he's not perfect, but if I had to think of the person I most respect and admire, I think it'd be him. Sometimes I can't even explain why.

And this is why I ask myself what happened and whether I'm not really still in love with him. I wasn't happy with him. But a part of me was screaming in agony when we broke up, like I'd lost a limb. Was it the pain of finally admitting the truth, or was it the loss and rejection? I don't have any answers, and I don't know that I should bother to think about such things, but every now and then I wonder what the fuck I'm doing since we parted. Maybe I'm better off alone. But I know I still need him in my life, and I'm sure he knows this.

I remember, at the very beginning of our relationship, he admitted that he didn't think he could leave me even if he found he was the source of all my pain. I wonder if he remembers this. I wonder if he still feels this way. I wonder if I could ever feel differently.

'I think young people really don't know how wretched and vulnerable every human heart really is.' -- Iris Murdoch, A Fairly Honourable Defeat