Last night a minor incident set me off on a crying jag. CF accidentally pulled my hair, and when I said, "Ow," he mimicked my cry. That's when I burst into tears and started to feel like nobody respects me.

Say what you will about that illogical leap, but I have to say that most of the time I walk around wondering why I feel invisible. Walking down the street, why am I always the one to sidestep people who would otherwise plow into me? Standing in a line, why do other people always cut in front of me? Maybe these are small examples, but they seem to happen all the time. Do I just look like a person who is not going to tell you to get the fuck out of the way or get in line at the back with everyone else? Am I just projecting a few incidents onto the world at large? Or does this stuff happen to everyone and only annoy me because it makes me feel powerless, since I don't feel terribly powerful to begin with?

I don't think I am saying "all the time" when referring to two incidents, in this case. Every time I go outside, I feel like people are walking too close to me and barely avoiding crashing right into me, not paying attention or failing to notice my presence on the sidewalk. It's not a rare occurrence. Perhaps this is because I tend to want to walk more quickly than the rest of the people on the block, and dodge around other pedestrians, but even when I am just trudging along I find it happening to me. What the hell is it about? As for people cutting me in line, it may be because lines are not usually well-marked and if I don't say anything, they'll just cut. Normally I don't care that much, but sometimes it really gets on my nerves.

There is something else to it. At work, most of the people that come in do one of two things that get on my nerves. They will either a) bring their videos in through the metal detector, thus setting it off (even though we have TWO drop boxes and there's a counter right inside the door they could drop them on), or b) try to weasel something out of me, be it a free second movie or not paying their late fees or generally getting something for nothing. Technically, the power is in my hands on the weaseling. I can just say no, and if they argue I can tell them to take what they've got or leave, or refer them to the manager (who is never there). Yet somehow I always find myself feeling guilty about saying no to them, even when I know they don't deserve what they are asking for. Why the fuck do I feel like that, and how do I say no, firmly, but without sounding like an asshole? Because my co-worker D will tell people no straight-up, and they will accept it, but when I do the same they get upset and start telling me I'm a bitch or someone else did it for them so I should too or complaining that I am hard to get along with, blah blah. This shouldn't bother me, because it's not my job to get them to like me and I certainly don't have to give things away, but it bugs me because they are sort of harassing me in a way that they don't harass the other clerks.

To make a long story short, I don't feel terribly respected at my job or walking down the street. I guess I shouldn't expect my job to make me feel great, since it's just a service job, but I really wish it didn't make me feel like a spineless wimp or a necrotic bitch, by turns. I mean, when I've had enough of customers wheedling and pleading for shit, I go off on one of them. Hence the comments on my attitude and whatnot. I am tired of it, but my saying no to a customer is not respected, so what are the options here?

I think the video store will always be full of assholes who will try to bargain for something they shouldn't or won't get from me. Despite the signs that explain the specials, people will always try to get the ones that are unavailable on the weekends. I should just tell them no and not think twice about it, because it's not that big a deal. Yet I do think twice about it. They make me feel guilty. How do I cut that circuit in my brain? I don't want to feel guilty about shit that isn't supposed to bother me!

I'm tired of feeling like it's Me vs. The World. I mean, why can't I even walk down the street without someone trampling me? Is that too much to ask? Why the fuck do I take it so personally, anyway? People are idiots, people aren't paying attention to where they're going; so what? Why do I feel like they're targeting me because it happens so bloody often and gets under my skin like this?

I feel like I've turned into some kind of psycho, and it's scaring me. I don't want to be on the defensive all the time. Somebody help.

On a completely unrelated note, I now have 3 A-s. The Psycho Prof is still deliberating whether or not my 7 page paper on the Holocaust was long enough or indeed shows any understanding of Paul Ricoeur's dotty philosophy at all, it seems. Damn it, man, school starts tomorrow -- get the grades in!!

As for me, I don't have class 'til Wednesday. In the meantime I plan to do some errands, test some recipes, and read for pleasure. I have a shitload of books people have bought me for my birthday and for Xmas, as well as some of my own used bookstore selections, so I'd better get on it while I still have time for Me.

Second New Year's Resolution of the year: this semester I will get at least one term paper started as soon as I find out the parameters. Yes, I really must.

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