Seems I can never find the right words when I need to speak to someone about how I am feeling. I can formulate a phrase that sums it up in my head, but when I try to say that phrase out loud, it sounds so stupid and trite. It makes me wonder how I could think such a thing, and of course there are always questions like "What do you mean?" or "How did you arrive at that conclusion?" and my explanation seems to be a wasted effort, because my statement suddenly sounds so ludicrously stupid. Am I a fool? I don't know.

Tonight I thought the same thing I think nearly every night now: that I am a pretty useless and inconsequential cog of an individual. I am interchangeable, for the most part, with any number of other individuals. I am not unique, and I find myself boring. I'm not trying to be self-pitying here, I just honestly wonder what makes me different from anyone else on this planet and why I should bother to try to set myself apart to begin with. What makes me special? What are the qualities that I should hold on to, and how can I use them to my advantage? I can't recognize them in myself. I try to list them, and I find myself questioning them. I say "Well, I'm smart..." and then I wonder "Well, what the hell is 'smart,' anyway? Who says I'm smart? What do I know? What do I do with that intelligence? What's the point?" The same thing happens to each trait I suggest in my head, and I wonder if I'm being self-defeating or if I should honestly pursue these thoughts. I mean, I want to be realistic about my abilities, but I'm certainly my harshest critic because I know what I WANT to do and what I actually DO, and I see the discrepancies and come down hard on my failures, which are only failures to ME, because I know myself. So I wonder how much to cast off as worthless self-doubt and how much to call a grounding in reality that keeps me humble.

It's not even about making myself attractive to others, although that's certainly a good part of the motivation. I want to know who I am so that I can say no to people that deny important parts of my existence. I need to be able to stand on my own before I can even consider standing with someone else. I feel very Henry Rollins tonight, very "If you're not strong inside yourself I don't even want to be near you. Don't even look at me. I don't want to know your name. Life is too short. The closest thing I can come to love, is respect. To me, respect is miles beyond. That's the problem. Love can exist in spite of a total lack of respect. To me, that's a fucking fat lie. I can only carry myself. I can't respect anyone who can't stand on their own two feet. If you want me, then you must want yourself ten times more. You must be strong. Otherwise go fall in love and lie to yourself as you beat yourself into happiness." Henry seems very Buddhist to me right now, because he says that he knows people will only disappoint him in the end and figures it's best to avoid getting attached. He knows it hurts like hell to get too attached, especially when they'll only break you in the end. And maybe that's pessimistic, but I don't think I've met anyone I could hold on to forever. The tighter you hold on to something, the more it slips through your fingers. So if you let it all go, I guess everything will be yours. The catch is that you won't want it anymore. Renunciation is a bitch that way, I suppose. Sometimes I wonder if that's the right way to really live -- to renounce and enjoy. Ghandi says it is, but what did he know? He was probably tripping, considering his near-constant state of hunger strike. Not to knock Ghandi; I think he was a cool guy. But I don't know if that's the way to be. So what IS?

I think to myself that I'm an idiot, because I'm so damned scared of everything one can possibly be afraid of. And mostly it's the fear of looking like an ass, despite the fact that millions of people are looking like asses every moment of the day. What difference do my fuck-ups make? I guess I can't get over myself. I'm too proud. I want people to know me, but only after they make it through an extensive mental obstacle course and prove themselves worthy somehow. Nobody takes the challenge, because nobody knows it's required. When they find out, they back down. I don't know what I want anymore. Am I willing to settle for less? Absofuckinglutely not. Even if it means I have to spend the rest of my life alone, I'm not lowering my standards. Some would call this crazy. I call it living by the only principle I've got. I want someone to fucking surprise me. Just blow my mind with the fact that they WON'T disappoint me, that they're everything I've been imagining. And that they're interested in ME. I want to be somebody special. I'm still working on a plan for that one.

All I know right now is that I need a major project. Working kills my soul, no matter how much I don't hate my job. It just shreds my sense of self-esteem to know that I have to work some essentially useless and uncreative job just to have some spending money. Maybe I just need to give up that bourgeoisie lifestyle of comfort and Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Then again, I feel like pampering myself right now because I feel like shit. Not mentally, but physically; I have a cold and these things always make me feel like hell. Maybe I should take better care of my body. I'd prefer to believe that my mind is independent of this weak fleshy vessel, but I know it isn't so. Damn you, Descartes! Stop lying to me!

Anyway, once again I feel the need to write and write and write until I come up with something I could present to the world, and I think that'll be my project. Maybe I'll write a novel or a short story or a zine or something, but whatever it is I don't want to share it with anyone until I'm done with it and then I want real feedback, not just "Well, it's good and I like it." I want to know where it hits you and how hard. Okay?

Good.

And now I'm gonna try to get some rest so I don't feel like spit warmed over tomorrow morning.

I've missed you, diary. I'm a delinquent. But I'm a sexy and witty delinquent, and that dynamite combination is all that matters.